I was Skyping with my daughter who lives in New Zealand. I asked her for suggestions for my blog. She reminded me that I have talked with her several times about change - including the fact that even good change can be stressful.
So first, change that is out of your control or that goes against what you want is stressful in the extreme. This could be things like getting fired, pandemics (because I don't know anyone who is excited about COVID), breaking up a relationship, losing your wallet, getting evicted, or getting a new boss.
Bad change is one of the main reasons to implement a daily practice to increase your resilience. Resilience is essentially being able to bounce back after life's unexpected hits. So what about good change? Good change is, well, GOOD, right? It's true that good change might include things that you planned to change like getting married, moving, graduating, changing your diet, getting a pet or buying a new car.
So why on earth would good change be stressful? It turns out, our brain doesn't really distinguish between good change and bad change as much as you might think. Any change actually can be considered a loss, and as such, we grieve what was.
If you make lots of changes all at once, each event tacks more stress on so the total amount of stress you feel is greater. If you have too much stress, it can actually cause health problems.
The sum of the life change units of the applicable events in the past year of an individual's life gives a rough estimate of how stress affects health.
Life event Life change units
Death of a spouse 100
Divorce 73
Marital separation 65
Imprisonment 63
Death of a close family member 63
Personal injury or illness 53
Marriage 50
Dismissal from work 47
Marital reconciliation 45
Retirement 45
Change in health of family member 44
Pregnancy 40
Sexual difficulties 39
Gain a new family member 39
Business readjustment 39
Change in financial state 38
Death of a close friend 37
Change to different line of work 36
Change in frequency of arguments 35
Major mortgage 32
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
Change in responsibilities at work 29
Child leaving home 29
Trouble with in-laws 29
Outstanding personal achievement 28
Spouse starts or stops work 26
Beginning or end of school 26
Change in living conditions 25
Revision of personal habits 24
Trouble with boss 23
Change in working hours or conditions 20
Change in residence 20
Change in schools 20
Change in recreation 19
Change in church activities 19
Change in social activities 18
Minor mortgage or loan 17
Change in sleeping habits 16
Change in number of family reunions 15
Change in eating habits 15
Vacation 13
Major Holiday 12
Minor violation of law 11
Score of 300+: At risk of illness.
Score of 150-299: Risk of illness is moderate (reduced by 30% from the above risk).
Score <150: Only have a slight risk of illness.
As you can see, getting married is actually pretty stressful at 50 points! Add up all of the stressors for the past year to get your score. All of us likely have a change in personal habits and social activities with this darn pandemic to add to our total.
So what do we do about this? The first thing is to recognize that things are changing and to realize that no matter what the change is, it will add to your stress level. If you are a new couple just starting out, remember to give each other grace as you are both going through many changes. It's also a good idea for anyone to do extra self-care when you are going through changes. You can prepare ahead of time by building up your resilience by utilizing meditation, daily gratitude practices and other processes that you find to be stress-relieving (and I mean things like exercise and mindfulness not drinking to excess!).
There is a book that is called Who Moved My Cheese? that does a great job of describing change and how it affects people (although the characters in the book are mice). It is a quick read and has helped people get through change for many years.
My daughter is planning on moving back to the US soon. That will include 179 points each for herself and her husband if there are no major snafus! Planning ahead with resilience building activities will be key! I also recommend going through the exercises from The Grief Recovery Handbook (more details in the post about grief) anytime you go through a major change.
I hope this helped you to put change into perspective and is an encouragement to you to take good care of yourself and give yourself and others grace during this stressful time! Cheers to weathering change of all kinds!
I have heard that if you have 3 life changes within a short time (say 6 months) you are more likely to have some consequences or even a breakdown. When you look at that list, it could be easy to have several of those life events happen within a short time. Now, don't freak out if you have had several life events happen close together, each person deals with stress differently and at some points in our life we may be more equipped with life skills to deal with some of these; however, remember that life is not always easy and when you feel you need help, reach out to someone you TRUST!!
Great job Heather! I miss you and…